Week One of the unknown..

Well, it's official, summer is over, kids going back to school tomorrow, and I'm starting over.

Starting over with a new career. I mean, it's been 6 months since I was fired, why not move on and rejoin the employed world. It has been a great time, and a terrible time, a time for enjoyment, and a time of new memories. I was able to spend a great amount of time with my kids, and that was important to me, although I felt like a terrible person, not going to work as I have done my entire life, but it was nice.

Two trips to DC/VA and more lost than ever, so many thoughts, so many ideas, so many opportunities and road closures. The purpose of the trips was to find ME. I found me, and had to let me go again. I guess that I don't see eye to eye with me, I guess that I don't really know me as well as I thought, or do I?

Moments of being lost when I haven't moved, moments of being alone when I am surrounded by people, moments of screaming at silent insanity in a car full of kids on a final summer trip. Was I lost to begin with, or am I lost now that I thought I found myself? If I knew then what I know now would I still do it? Do I live with the choice to believe I can have a regret and let it go? Or do I accept that I made all choices of my own free will and of the best interest of all involved at the time, and just suck up the pounding silence inside my head?

Pointless thoughts run through my mind:

Where can you run when it's you that you feel you must run from?
Who can you talk to when you don't even believe yourself?
What is the complex solution to the simple problem?
Why is it the hardest answers really have no questions?

To sit back and wonder whether it has been worth it to give everything up for who I am, for the non bending beliefs that I possess. But is this nothing more than questioning myself and my beliefs.

Is this the payment for the crimes I have commited against "societal morality"? Who are "they" to judge me? What gives "them" the right to attempt to force their beliefs down my throat, when I keep mine to myself? Are their "beliefs" more worthy because of the hypocritical people who get on TV and preach about the horrors that television is bringing to the youth? Is this the same mentality who listens to a "preacher" tell you that your body is your temple, and you must take care of it and keep it in the top shape possible, in order to be "good and pure" while he eats McDonalds and has 300 lbs on his 5'3 frame?

Why are there so many followers who follow so blindly? What has happened to the backbone that created this "country" in which we live? A country founded on forcing religion down the Natives throat. The same country in which we now live, that Pat Robertson is free to go on TV and discredit all Natives who have been blessed with the Gift of Seeing more, by saying that there are no "Spirits". And that our "loved ones will not visit us after they have died, that it is only a false spirit attempting to lead us astray". Is this not him taking his own personal vendetta with the popularity of Sylvia Browne to his own sheep? To sit back and listen to these people jut makes me sick to my stomach about how ignorant some people are to blindly follow. What is the point of it? To be a "member" of something greater? Are we all not a member of something great without having to follow blindly?

Back to my feeling of being punished.. .Where is the punishment being brought from? Should we take it religious here and say that it is a Biblical lesson that I should be interpreting? Should I be scared that the Christian God is upset with me and is punishing me for doing as I have?

Why would I be punished if He was in Control of everything to begin with, is that not the same as punishing your child after you allowed them to color outside of the lines? If you are in "control" then are you not allowing it, and therefore in total charge and to be held the utmost of responsible? Have I not paid enough for those things that would be frowned upon by those who are Saturday night drunks and Sunday Morning Hypocrites? Have I not given up enough? What more I ask is there I shall have to give to appease the force that is bringing the negativity to me and mine?

I know that this is rambling, and I apologize for that, but this is however, MY blog. So I guess I get to ramble!

Truck driving school sucks, the job prospects suck, and the entire career looks like it is going to suck. But I am hoping that it is only a 2 year career, and after that life can try and get back to some sense of normality around here..

In the words of another TV Preacher, Jerry Springer.. .Until Next time America